Ouch, That Hurt!
One of the most painful experiences was marrying without God's approval. It is true that we get to pick who we love as a mate but it’s very important that we seek God for counsel. Our connections matter to God. Don’t make the mistake that I made saying yes just because they asked. I had no desire to be married to this person but the idea of marriage and someone choosing me led me into a season of stagnation, deception, chaos and confusion. I was not in God’s perfect will for my life. He was a good guy but not God's best for me. I knew it was the wrong thing and God gave me every way of escape and warning but I chose to marry anyway. This decision cost me dearly. At the beginning, it felt great that someone had chosen me and accepted me. See, I had abandonment and rejection issues from my childhood. I am adopted and most of my life I operated in an orphan spirit which led me to make several unwise decisions for attention, acceptance, and approval.
As I look back on my decision to marry against the will of God, I can see the hand of the enemy at work baiting me to get into a relationship with someone that was not sent by God to be my husband. I knew that we were not spiritually equal and he had no desire to develop a relationship with God. I knew my purpose was to share the love of Jesus with him and move on but someone I got distracted and fell into lust. Once this took place I was all in and there was no turning back. The days leading to us exchanging vows were so uneasy for me because I knew it was a no but I didn’t have the courage to tell him because he wanted so desperately for me to be his wife. My mom said no and expressed her deep concerns but I did not want to hear her disapproval and thought I was going to prove her and all my friends wrong.
I can say today that God was right. Had I listened to the voice of God it would have protected me from the painful experience of betrayal and divorce that was ahead. God healed me from the emotionally painful experiences that took place in that marriage. But, I lost so much life altering time that could have cost me my life. You know the wages of sin are death. So, I am so grateful to God for his love, kindness, mercy, protection, restoration and forgiveness. God forgave me then restored me so that I can love and trust again. God helped me see that bitterness was a choice that I didn’t have to be bitter after divorce because I was hurt. In the beginning, it was very difficult for me to see that because I felt justified nursing and replaying what happened to me. And, then God reminded me of how I got married against his will hoping that he would bless what he said no to. He also quickened me to the reality that I was expecting a man that was not surrendered to the Lord to be faithful and love me as Christ loves the church. And, this my friends is impossible without God. During the divorce proceedings, I often remembered how unfaithful I had been to God over the years and how I had chosen him over God. This quick thought ignited a sense of mercy and I was ready to repent and forgive.
Prior to this it was so hard waking up each morning for months mad and pointing the finger. I spent hours murmuring and complaining about how I had been done wrong. I threw myself so many pity parties that it was exhausting. I wanted to love and be loved again but this could not happen for me unless I made a choice to forgive. I had to make a choice to repent for what I had done wrong and in disobedience to God. Also, I was not perfect patty in our marriage. I had many flaws that I would never admit at the time and some that God never publicly exposed.
What helped me release the hurt was remembering my life before salvation and revelation. This helped me to freely give the gift of forgiveness that God gave me so freely. The enemy tried to bait me into holding onto the offence with the thoughts that “You would never have done that! How could they!” And, I just remember the voice of God saying you too have sinned and I have forgiven you. Sin is sin…there is not one greater or less than the other. Later, the Lord spoke to me about the imperfections of David and this blessed me so that I immediately wanted to let it go. It was so comforting to know that I was not alone, his decisions were not my fault, God understood the pain I felt, that God still loved me and that he desired to heal me and make me whole again. I just had to make the choice to forgive!
What I want readers to get from this is to be quick to repent, seek and take heed to Godly counsel beforehand. If God says no it’s for your protection. What looks like the rejection of man can be the protection of God because no good thing will God withhold from those that walk upright before him. When we make poor decisions they can cause consequences that God may not shield us from encountering. Being mad and bitter is a choice…this does not have to be your reality but you have to be willing to overlook a wrongdoing or it will steal, kill and destroy you. Just to name a few cons for holding onto pain is that it ignites health issues, it hinders the possibility of future healthy relationships, it puts you in bondage, steals your joy, and it alters your perception. If you will be willing to release what was done wrong to you by faith the healing power of forgiveness will manifest in your life. Focus on your own spiritual well-being…forgiveness is essential to your relationship with God and others.